The Writing On My Arms

I get funny looks from people when they see my doodles sometimes. I mess around with different lettering styles and one of my favorite phrases to draw is "You Are Loved"

"That's kind of cliche, isn't it?"

"Who's that for?"

"Well DUH!"

The comments get even better when they see the phrases I've recently started drawing on my arms in sharpie. My left arm says "You Matter;" while my right arm reminds me that "Love Is Louder."

"Why do you keep drawing on yourself?"

"Is that a tattoo?"

What only a few people realize is that these are all reminders to myself. A way of blocking out the nasty voice at the back of my head that likes to whisper lies to me whenever I'm alone.

"No one actually likes you. Everyone thinks you're annoying. You should just leave them alone, they're only putting up with you because they have to." 

See, the thing is, I know that all of these statements are false. I know that I have friends and family who care about me, who love to be around me, but no matter how hard I remind myself of these facts, the slightest crack in my mental walls allows those whispers to echo loudly around my head. And when I'm left alone with myself and those nasty thoughts for long enough, they eventually start to seem true and before long, the cracks seal up, trapping those thoughts inside along with me.

The best way I have found to force those lies out is to be around people I know care about me, who refuse to leave me alone when they know I'm slipping into one of those moods. But when it's 2am and the majority of the world is asleep, I'm left alone with my thoughts with no way to pull myself out of my own head, away from the lies.

Having the words "You are Loved" peeking out whenever I get into my wallet is a reminder, even when I don't need it, that people really do care. Rewriting "You Matter;" and "Love is Louder" on my arms every few days is yet another constant reminder that I have a purpose in the world and that love drowns out the lies coming from my own mind.

The writing on my arms reminds me that it is not the false thoughts in my head that define me. If I refuse to let them keep a hold over me, they can pull me down but they can't overcome me.

Your Struggles Are Valid

As most of you probably know, I very recently experienced a huge and unexpected loss. As a group of us were traveling to MS for a church missions trip, two friends and fellow church members, a dad and his son, were caught in a terrible car accident and didn't survive. In the midst of dealing with this tragedy, I have had numerous friends tell me they were praying for me, my church family, and the family and friends of the two men. During one of these conversations, I asked a friend if there was anything I could be praying for him about. He was hesitant to answer, saying that my pain at the moment was much worse than anything he was dealing with, and he didn't want to bother me with it.

I think this is common for many of us - I know it is for me anyway. We downplay our hurt, thinking it isn't valid in light of others'. If a friend is hurting and they ask me if anything is wrong, I often say no, or gloss over it. I think it's a combination of not wanting to focus on our own hurts or problems for fear of seeming like we want attention and genuinely thinking that the other persons pain is worse than ours, therefore ours doesn't deserve notice.

The thing is, though, out pain isn't diminished by the fact that someone else is hurting more. Just because someone else broke their arm, it doesn't mean running into a wall doesn't hurt. It's the same with emotional pain. Just because I just lost two close friends, you can still be hurt by the fact that you think your friends don't care about you anymore, or that you're struggling with depression "for no reason," or for something that happened five years ago that rose to the surface suddenly for no reason. 

In all honesty, we can ALWAYS find someone whose pain we think is worse than our own. If we constantly downplay our pain because someone else has worse hurt, I could point out that the close family of my friends lost a husband and son, a boyfriend, a cousin, etc. and I therefore have less reason to feel pain. That's the beautiful thing about all of this though - we get to share in each others pain. That means that I have friends coming close to me to make sure I'm doing okay with this tragic experience, but at the same time, I can make sure they're doing okay with the stuff they have going on in their own lives. 

That's what it's about - recognizing that we all experience pain, simply of differing degrees than each other, rather than trying to invalidate our pain because we feel like we shouldn't feel our hurt in light of someone else's. So it's okay to understand that someone else is hurting more than you. That's okay. But it doesn't mean you aren't hurting. You can hurt at the same time as someone else without feeling guilty. Your pain isn't made greater or worse by someone else's. No matter what you or society tell yourself, your struggles are valid.

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Photo Credit:
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/5e/ea/f6/5eeaf627e0ba6148da4ae601eb436799.jpg
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/6a/c5/6f/6ac56f79a64a2508bcff5481d7c92dfc.jpg

Tales of Ireland: A Grave Topic -and- Music In The Streets

Unfortunately, I still have not had time to go through pictures... I will eventually post them, but it may have to wait until after the trip is over. For now, enjoy two shorter posts about some of the history and heritage of Ireland.

A Grave Topic

From our very first day of sightseeing when we visited Monasterboise, I have been curious about Irish cemeteries. As someone who enjoys learning the deeper meaning and significance of things, I wondered why their graves were different than those found in America. Instead of a simple gravestone, most, if not all, of the graves we have come across have not only a gravestone, but also an area filled with rocks and often other things like flowers or personal items. As I was getting ready to ask Dave (our bus driver) to explain the purpose of this “garden,” we drove past get another gravesite. To my excitement, Dave began telling us the significance behind this area.

As with many of their traditions, this custom is rooted in Irish folklore. People held a strong belief that when someone died their soul was stuck in a sort of limbo, searching for something familiar to latch onto. As such, great measures were taken to change the appearance of the deceased’s home so that they wouldn’t recognize it and try to come back. To keep them from wandering around for eternity, however, familiar items were put at the site of the grave.

Even though most people no longer believe this folklore, it has become a tradition. It offers a sort of closure to the deceased’s family and friends, a symbolic way of indicating that their loved one has moved on.

Music In The Streets

Just as in many other countries, music plays a large part in traditions and heritage. The same can be said for Ireland. As a musician, I have had a wonderful time learning about the various types of music and musical instruments that this country has become known for.

There have been so many times I have been able to experience music (besides my iPod and our choir rehearsals) on this trip.  All of us had the opportunity on Sunday night to enjoy traditional Irish music and dancing, making use of a large variety of instruments, including the bagpipes and tin whistle.  Dave has been doing his best to educate us in all types of Irish music – traditional, modern, folk, and so on – on our long bus rides.

My favorite, though, was wandering the streets of Galway Bay. Rather than find a pub or coffee shop to eat lunch, my roommate and I meandered through the stalls of street vendors. Along the way, we encountered a man playing a strange instrument. Initially enjoying it as we passed, we found ourselves returning to hear more. When Laura asked about his CD’s, he started explaining how the instrument worked. We discovered that it was a sort of combination of a stringed instrument with a piano and called a Celtic Drone. This instrument is operated by turning a crank that runs across the strings to create a low, consistent droning noise. The middle strings are then played by keys that are somewhat controlled by gravity. (We also learned that the Celtic Drone is the first instrument to use keys). Typically, this instrument is accompanied by the bagpipes as both are Drone instruments.

Overall, I have enjoyed the numerous experiences I’ve had in Ireland, but I particularly love the music. Not only the variety in genres, but the various instruments I have encountered. I look forward to discovering more music in the streets of Ireland.

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Photo Credit: myself

The Significance of Walls

It seems that all over the world, there is violent conflict.  While much of this occurs between neighboring countries (which is terrible enough, especially for those living on the border), there are even more between various groups and tribes in one country. One such case is the major conflict among the Irish people, highlighted particularly by The Troubles that occurred in our not-so-distant past. During this time, not only was the IRA (Irish Republican Army) fighting for a Free Republic of Ireland, out from the rule of Britain, but they were also fighting against those Irishmen who wished to remain part of the United Kingdom. Often, this separation was found in an individual’s religion and it became a war between the Catholics and the Protestants in Ireland. This continued on into more modern times in which the Catholic’s in Northern Ireland and those just on the other side of the border in Londonderry/Derry* in Republic of Ireland continued to fight to unite the two countries, often through acts of terrorism.

On our tours of Northern Ireland over the last two days, our group has encountered two walls in different cities set up as memorials to the destruction that occurred and built to encourage peace between the two groups. However, despite the similar purpose, I felt that there was a very different feel about the two walls that I have had a hard time putting into words. While one seemed to encourage peace for the sake of peace and it’s goodness, the other seemed darker and more focused on the destruction and peace for the sake of no more fighting. While these two may seem very similar, when you are walking along the two walls, the feel and the very atmosphere feels very different.  While the walls in each city are each memorials to the death and destruction of The Troubles, they have different symbolic meanings.

The first of these walls is found in Belfast and is called The Peace Wall. On it are messages of peace, artwork, and graffiti remembering lost ones, quotes about peace, and a general theme of “no more fighting.” The second is found in Londonderry/Derry* and actually consists of four walls referred to as the Walled City. They are the Bishop's Gate, Ferryquay Gate, Butcher's Gate, and Shipquay Gate and are a mile in circumference. These walls contain no writing or artwork or writing, but instead stand imposingly as if to remind people more of the destruction caused by The Troubles than the peace to follow. It seems that while the Walled City was built to create a separation, the Peace Wall was built to end the separation. One seems to be an encouragement to move on to a brighter future, to create peace for the sake of peace while the other seems to be darker and almost cautionary in nature, warning future generations not to make the same mistakes.

Unlike much of the modern world, much of America seems to have very little concept of destruction and war. It is occurring all around us in other countries, but despite our country's involvement in the wars of other countries, the only one in our most recent history on our soil that we really talk about is the Civil War. Most of us have no idea what it is like to have personal, direct involvement in war and the violence and destruction that come as a result. This is very different in Ireland where there are still adults who have lived through the destruction and others who grew up in the wreckage it left behind. To them, these walls are a chilling reminder to future generations, and even tourists, of the terrors of war and the benefits of peace between ourselves.

* The town was initially named Derry and then changed to Londonderry by the British when they began “planting” loyalists of the Crown in the town. This town in right at the border of Northern Ireland and The Republic of Ireland and as such has many differing political opinions. The name a person uses is often indicative of their political stance. If Londonderry, they are loyal to Britain and wish to remain a part of the United Kingdom.  If Derry, they wish to be reunited with the rest of Ireland as a Free Republic (they often refer to it as “Free Derry”).

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Don't have time for a photo update, but hopefully will have some up soon! I've taken way more pictures the last two days with all of our sight seeing and just haven't had a chance to go through them yet - hopefully will tomorrow!

Photo Credit: 

http://aphs.worldnomads.com/loza3210/5848/PA020026.jpg

http://www.rickneal.ca/travel/main.php?g2_view=core.DownloadItem&g2_itemId=1171&g2_serialNumber=1

Finding God in Ireland

This evening, just as we began the first concert of our Ireland tour, I saw God.  Well, not exactly; I didn't have a heavenly revelation or anything, but I saw something that just made it seem like He was peeking into the church sanctuary where we were gathered.  With churches on every corner, Celtic crosses in all the graveyards and tourist memorabilia, and the fact that we are on tour as a choir from a Christian College, one would think it would be easy to see God.  However, it had been cold, raining, and somewhat dreary almost the entire day, and with the jet lag still hanging over all of us, none of us had much energy and wanted nothing more than to eat dinner and return to the hotel for dinner, not give a concert.  Kind of hard to find God in that, no matter how many times we start our meetings in prayer.

This all changed, though, as we began singing Be Thou My Vision, the opening hymn.  Throughout the song, I had been noticing that the sun was shining a little more brightly than before, but as we started the fourth and final verse, I glanced up to see the sun shining brightly through the window.  Combined with the heartfelt worship going on around as the audience joined their voices enthusiastically with ours, it was as if God Himself had stepped into the room with us.  While we attributed the "confidence boost" to the applause from the audience after a later song, I think it was partially due to seeing the sun peek out just as we were singing to the "High King of Heaven, His victory won" saying "May I reach heaven's joys, O bright Heaven's sun." 

Sometimes, even though He is everywhere around us, it can be hard to see God.  I think it's in those times especially that instead of finding Him in the big things, He reveals Himself to us in the little things.  A kind word from an older man who reveals that he is dealing with cancer and won't have much longer to live, but was incredibly blessed by the music our choir shared.  The cross in the middle of a graveyard that has withstood hundreds of years bashing at it, including vikings and their hammers as they tried to bring it down.  Even the sun shining just a little brighter at exactly the moment you need it.  God is always there, we just have to be open to seeing it.

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Ireland Update:

We finally made it to Ireland, despite a three hour delay when they realized there was something wrong with our plane, so there is much jet lag.  Mostly over the worst of it, however!

Monday, after arriving in Dublin, we had lunch at the Man O War pub and visited the Monasterboise and Mellifont Abbey.

Today, we had a bus tour of the city of Belfast and then had an opportunity to wander around at lunch time.  Following that, we visited the Titanic Exhibition before our first concert.

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Photo Credit:
-title photo: http://chrisgilesphotography.com/images/gallery/900/sun-through-a-church-window-3251.jpg
-Ireland Photos: myself